about: research

Summary of Research Findings on Church Planting Spouses

by Shari Thomas

The unique and challenging nature of church planting creates distinctive issues for church planting spouses as compared to other clergy spouses. This research study was conducted among church planting spouses of the Presbyterian Church in America, including spouses of various ethnicities and ages in urban and suburban settings in North America. All spouses in this study were female. Since 2005, further qualitative research has been conducted nationally and internationally among the PCA and other denominations.

The following sources provided the greatest satisfaction or conversely, the greatest stress for the church planting spouse.

Primary Sources of Stress and/or Satisfaction

1. The Planter – the person and work of the planter as he is involved/uninvolved with his wife

The planter’s lack of sufficient involvement increases loneliness and isolation for the spouse while placing added pressure on the marriage. “If a clergy couple is relying primarily on each other for support, the marriage may function well most of the time, yet a narrow support system will become a problem when either one is not able to fulfill that role.” (McMinn 2004). Even more so in church planting, this narrow support system often fails.

“We have a strong marriage and I know my husband is committed to me. If I wasn’t called to do this type of work, he would quit. We both have a profound respect that God has called us together as one flesh and He will not pull us in different directions. My husband practices the scripture of laying down his life for me as Christ laid down His life for the church. I can submit to that kind of husband.”

2. Support System – the presence/lack of a healthy support system

The major factor which restricts spouses from experiencing the support they need is that their primary support comes from their husbands—men who tend to be absent from the home evenings and weekends. The study also indicates that wives do not talk about their husbands since this could jeopardize his career (McMinn, 2004).

“It would have been most helpful if I had connection with other spouses early on.”

3. Re-Creation – her participation/non-participation in recreation and Sabbath rest

“The highest levels of exhaustion were caused by overextending ourselves because of perceived expectations that we feared we were not meeting. Overall, we were not trusting the Lord.”

“We did not take regular days off or vacations. Nor did we know about keeping boundaries. So a lot has been learned and changed over the years.”

4. Reliance on Christ – spouse’s ability/inability to live out of gospel dynamics in everyday life

“I attribute my spiritual and emotional health to daily repentance, and to understanding how great my sin is, to the ability to laugh, and balancing my heart for the church with the fact that the church is not my life nor my significance.”

“…it is God alone, salvation, prayer, his goodness, his very presence in the Spirit.”

“While I give head assent to relying on Christ, my lifestyle shows my functional belief system is in myself and human effort.”

5. Boundary Ambiguity – boundary clarity/boundary ambiguity

Ambiguity is endemic to ministry. To the clergy family, the system is not clear. All members of the family participate either directly or indirectly in the church. There is some role expectation of the congregation which must be fulfilled by the minister, his spouse, and even his children. This level of ambiguity causes high levels of stress for clergy spouses (Lee, 1988).

Role Ambiguity

“My greatest challenge has been how the ambiguous role of the church planting spouse would affect me. The struggle of knowing church planting was my passion, being trained in ministry, and yet not knowing how to interface this without having a defined position was difficult. I often functionally operated as an assistant minister yet without title, pay, or decision making power.”

Emotional Ambiguity

“How much should my husband tell me? I realize I am his primary support, but it’s hard to love people well when I know how they have hurt him.”

Physical Ambiguity

“The constant unknowns of facility and where we will be located coupled with the constant unknowns of who will stay and who will leave the church plant has been my biggest challenge.”

6. Physical Health – balanced/unbalanced health

Sixty percent of church planting spouses reported leading more than one major ministry in the church or community in addition to being involved in two or three other ministries. They reported exhaustion, ministry burnout, depression, anxiety disorders, and a variety of other physical ailments they had not previously experienced before church planting.

Secondary Sources of Stress and/or Satisfaction

1. Changed Lives – spouse is aware/not aware of lives being changed

“Walking with people in their journey and seeing their lives changed because of the existence of our church is incredibly exciting.”

“Transformed lives, mine and others, have been the greatest source of satisfaction.”

2. Commitment and Sense of Call to Church Planting – spouse’s call/lack of a sense of call to ministry

“What is our major calling if we have other passions? How do we balance this with the demands church planting places on us?”

“I feel just as called to church planting as my husband. We are both in this together.”

3. Family Time – planter consistently/inconsistently spends adequate time with family

“My husband keeps his day off and is intentional about building a relationship with our boys. We work hard to build a family focus, identity, and history.”

“I don’t show the kids my unhappiness with their dad’s lack of participating in our family life. I feel like he spiritually takes care of the church and I take care of the family.”

4. Raising Kids – planter is consistently/inconsistently involved with children’s spiritual development, discipline, and parental decision making

“I really suffer here…often my husband is not a part of what we do as a family. When the church is struggling, the less my husband does for and with the family, and the more he wants me to focus on helping him with the ministry.”

“He helps us apply the word to our lives as we go…in devotional time, in the car, around the table.”

5. Church Growth – church is/is not growing and influencing the local community

“Having come from a large church, it has been discouraging to see the slow growth.”

6. Expectations – spouse’s ability/inability to manage expectations of/from self and others

Navigating congregants’ expectations has consistently been an issue for clergy couples. On the other hand, church planting couples have high expectations and needs that their core group may not be aware of and may not be able to meet.

“I didn’t realize how high my expectations were of others. It took me time to realize not everyone has the same calling I have, but also that some may not be passionate about seeing others come to know Christ.”

“I have been disappointed with the lack of responsibility and loyalty some people have.”

7. Finances – spouse’s ability/inability to navigate financial limitations

“Church planting is like starting a business, only after the hard work we don’t get the financial payback. It’s hard to give our blood, sweat, and tears to this type of work and not have some sort of financial outcome that we can then pass on to our kids.”

8. Use of Gifts and Abilities – planter and spouse are in agreement/disagreement on the use of her gifts and abilities in relation to ministry

“I thought I would have an opportunity to use my gifts, but with the exhaustion my husband experiences, the needs of our kids, and without having other leaders, most of my time is spent in areas the church needs but not where I’m passionate.”